Saturday, 30 January 2016


Funny how you forget certain things then stumble over them once again.
I've never been brilliant at expressing myself. It's as if the ability was lost to me at an early age. I'd forgotten about my blog, the mere existence of it and that I'd once had a thriving online persona.
Was I really very different from my "real" self? Yes I think I was.
For whatever reason, I could express myself more eloquently online, perhaps because I couldn't see the disapproving looks, or slightly bored expression or some other made up reason my brain would normally find to squeeze my vocal cords into silence.
I don't recognise this online me. She is like a polished version of me. I read previous entries and laugh at my own jokes, as if someone else said them. Marvel at my humour and wonder what happened to that earlier more perfect me.
Have I changed so much? What happened to the fun loving, happy woman who loved life and all it had to throw at them? Perhaps I haven't changed, and it's my own memories playing tricks on me, my past looked at through rose tinted glasses. L.P Haryley once said "the past is a foreign country" and how true that is.
Maybe I will find myself again, become confident, someone to look up to, an inspiration.
Until then........

Saturday, 3 March 2012


It has been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog. It should really have been my new years resolution that I would update more frequently. It could be the fact that nothing much has happened in my life but that isnt quite true.
About 4 weeks ago I started a new job, which is very significant in my life. I have been a nurse for 9 years now and I always saw myself as being a band 6 (old style sister post) by now. I also wanted to be a specialist nurse rather than a band 6 nurse on a ward as I was never the manager type. This got achieved by my new job. I am now a research nurse working mainly in respiratory.
What a learning curve I have had to go through, but I have loved every minute of it. I think research was made for me. I have always loved learning new things and having a variety of thing going on in my life and hey all my prayers have been answered.
Other things in my life isnt so great but hey we can't have it all can we? At least my work life if going somewhere. Before you read more into that sentence than is intended, I am still happily married to my husband. Ok there are times I could happily murder him but thats normal right?
Anyways, in my first week of my new job I had to travel to Prague. How exciting! I have never had a job before where it has meant me travelling to another city let alone country. Who would have thought nursing would have opened those doors? Strangely enough when I first graduated university I thought my ideal job would be as a sales rep travelling all over the country and to other countries too. Now I have that opportunity.
When I travelled to Prague I had a slight problem. It had been a long time since I had last flown anywhere so I was slighlty nervous. New job and also having to prove I kinda new what I was doing.
It was a stragne trip as we had to travel up to manchester, then fly down to London Heathrow and fly from there to Prague. The flight to Heathrow was a little nerve racking due to watching several tv programms about airplane disasters! never the less this passed without problem and I was starting to relax.
Then came the trip to prague. It just so happened that me and my work collegue happened to be sitting separatley which at the time didnt worry me at all. It would be easier to read my book and to relax. however this didnt go to plan.
Half way through the journey I started to feel a bit strange. It started off with my tongue tingling and I can remember thinking it was a bit strange. Then it was like the feeling started to magnify and move up my face til it felt really weird. It was just like being given am imjection at the dentist which numbs the face. It felt like my face was drooping on the one side and I started to panic. Then I discovered I couldnt close my left eye unless I really forced it shut.
By this time I was really panicking and I was on my own. Lots of things were going through my mind but forefront was me thinking how can I go to a meeting with half my face drooping?? Anyways I decided I should call the steward and check with them.
As soon as the steward appeared I said to him, 'Does my face look drooped?' He must have thought christ what the hell is happening here? He soon disapeared off to call the medics. By the time he came back everything had gone back to normal. I had all feeling back and everything so now I started to feel like a fraud. I started to think great everyone will think Ive made it up. Not that I wanted to continue with a droopy face but still.
Luckily because my symptoms dissapeared it meant that they didnt divert the plane to Frankfurt. Could you imagine if they had done that and explaining what had gone on? I was already cringing at the fact I had called the stewered. Not really a got start to a new job is it?
As everything had gone back to normal the steward said they would continue to Prague but would check me out when I got there. So has the plane is coming into land you can see this ambulance waiting at the docking bay. Already I have started to cringe and I said to my work collegue that I hoped there wasnt going to be a wheelchair waiting for me!
As the plane lands on come the medical staff, and they want me to go in for further tests! As I walk off the plane what is waiting for me? Yep thats right a ruddy wheelchair! I ended up with this man pushing me all the way from the docking station through passport checking to the medical bay. Never have I got through passport control so quickly before.
I ended up in a room with a couch in it. They started off taking my Blood pressue which was normal thank god. Then they decided they would check my blood sugar which turned out to be low at 3.2mmols. This then ended up with me having a cannula put in my arm and 10% dextrose given Intravenously! Obviously they have never heard of giving lucozade for low blood sugar.
What made it worse was that I hadn't realised that I should get european insurance cover so I had to pay about £30 for my treatment. It does make me realise how much we take the Nhs for granted. Eventually I did get to the hotel in Prague and everything else went fine. Even the trip back to the uk went ok so I have no idea what happened on that flight.
There probably isnt anything more exciting to tell you but I will try to update a bit more vigourously than I have been.
Until next time

Sunday, 29 May 2011


Well I guess I ought to update everyone on what has happened. I have not been on here for a bit as I went on holiday last friday 21st May and Butlins do not have very good internet conections.
We travelled up by coach and arrived happily around 1pm, unloaded the masses of luggage and went to have a look around while we awaited the accomodation to be ready. We had been lookingn forward to this holiday for months and everyone was in high spirits. The kids were hyper and trying to do everything in the first half hour. Even Pete seemed excited.
That was until I discovered I was spotting around 5pm. It was hardly anything at all but I still went into a panic because of everything that had happened the last time. I forced myself to carry on as normal and enjoy the holiday and even went out on the night time. All the time I was stressing over what I would find each time I went to the toilet. Eventually the next morning everything had calmed down and I convinced myself that it must have been the long journey and there was nothing to worry about.
We went out and had a lovely breakfast then decided to go around the fair with the kids. Then I found out I had started bleeding again just like a period. I won't lie, I went into a bit of a panic as I didn't know what to do or where to go. We ended up all piling into a taxi and going to A + E in Skegness. Now I am used to a big hospital so it was a bit of a shock when we got to Skegness hospital. The waiting room was smaller than our doctors. It soon became clear that there was nothing at this hospital at all. They couldn't even analyse blood samples, take x-rays or do scans.
I ended up having to be transferred via ambulance to Pilgrim Hospital in Boston, around a 40 minute trip. We had all the kids with us at the time and Pete had to phone Butlins to see if they would be able to look after the children while he came to the hospital with me. He ended up having to get a taxi with all the kids back to Butlins to drop off the boys then come straight back to me with Charlotte as no one was able to look after her.
We all then went off in the ambulance along windy roads and all I could see were cabbage fields. Char loved the journey as she had never been in a ambulance before. I was just thinking it was all happening all over again as it was exactly the same as before. By this time I was heavily bleeding and losing massive clots.
We arrived at Boston only to be told that there were no scanning equipment available until monday. Looking at my blood results they said it was still possible the pregnancy was going ahead and from examination the cervix was still closed. They said without evidence from a scan they were going to leave me to see if things settled down.
However the bleeding continued and by around 8pm I was feeling very dizzy and was finding it difficult to do anything without feeling I was going to pass out. I had nothing with me so I was literally a bloody mess and Pete had to leave me around 6pm to get back to the kids. The staff kept asking if there was anyone we had come with who could help. We kept telling them everyone was 4 hours away.
Pete did explain to me that my mom and dad were coming up to help out with everything so this was a relief. I was thinking about myself particularly I was more worried about Pete and how he would cope with the kids and everything. The last time it happened he was so stressed and that was with people around him to help. I am very greatful to my parents for coming up as they helped immensely.
around 9pm the doctors decided that because I was still bleeding heavily they were going to use a portable ultrasound scan from the labour ward. Not ideal but they wanted to know what was going on as they wanted to operate.
It was what I feared. The scan showed no baby but there was still products of conception in the womb. I hate that terminology, products of conception. That was a baby at one point. It just makes it sound so medical and as if it wasn't a little life at some point.
That was it then I was off to theatre something I have dreaded as I have never been put to sleep before. I also know what theatre staff are like and the comments they can pass about people when they are asleep. so I was literally dreading it. What if I never woke up again? What if something goes wrong? All this going through my head whilst I sat in a hospital bed on my own.
Around midnight I finally went to theatre and by this time I was knackered and feeling rather ill through all the blood loss. By this time I just wanted it all over with. They gave me some horrible stuff first which apparantly was meant to relax me but it just made me feel awful. Then came the anaesthetic and at last I was asleep. I awoke around 12.30am and I just wanted to get back to the ward so I could sleep. Everything went fine luckliy and I was told I could go home in the morning.
By this time my parents had made it up to Skegness so at least we had someone who could pick me up now. I had to wait for Pete to bring me new clothes as I had absolutely nothing with me. I told him early on that he could come pick me up and I think they finally came around 11am.
It was a terrible experience but I didn't feel the same about this one than the previous one. Whether I am still in denial I don't know but I think it was because deep down I was always thinking this one would end the same way as the last so I never really got attached like I did before. I kept trying to tell myself that everything would be ok this time and that I couldn't be that unlucky for it to happen a third time but I think I knew really.
I would just like to know what is going on but of course they won't investigate until I have had a row of 3 miscarriages. All the doctors kept telling me was that it was one of those things and that because I already had 3 children so it was more likely that it was nothing that could be prevented.
I managed to last 10 weeks with this one. Can I really put myself through all that again? Pete definately won't let me. He has already threatened to have the snip. I just keep thinking third time lucky but I know I would be a nervous wreck and I would need a lot of  support which I doubt I would get.
Could it be that I wanted it too much? I watch these programs on the tv where the women continue to smoke, drink, take drugs, everything you aren't supposed to do and go on to have normal healthy babies. There's me doing everything right, drinking decaf coffee, not even drinking a small amount of alcohol, everything but it made no difference. I got back off holiday to find my appointment with the consultant so that was fun.
Who knows what the future holds but at this moment in time it looks like I won't be having any more children and this is very sad. I guess I should be happy with the ones I have.....

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Week 9

After a slight problem with my midwife appointment I saw her again today to finish all my paperwork. My blood results came back with everything normal thankfully but there was a strange result. Apparantly I am a possible alpha thalassemia carrier. Thalassemia is a blood disorder which is often misdiagnosed as iron deficiency anaemia, and there are several forms ranging in severity.  I have also discovered that it can lead to miscarriage which makes me wonder about the two I had before. Strangely though they don't want to test my husband for the trait even though he is of mediteranian descent. My midwife has told me nothing needs to be done unless I show any anaemia in my pregnancy.
I also had a phone call today from the healthy eating team as they had received a referral from my midwife. Because my BMI is 34 which yes I know is disgraceful considering I got down to a BMI of 28 for my wedding, I obviously need some help being told what food is healthy and what isn't. I've trained as a cambridge counsellor, I know all about nutrition and what is healthy and what isn't. My weight gain is from being unhappy and overeating, (the majority went on after the miscarriage and I am becoming increasingly stressed at work and home.) So what are they going to do for me? Oh and did I mention I am also a nurse? I am not stupid. I know eating a whole tub of ben and Jerries or Haagen daz isn't good for me, or having takeaways all the time. I do eat vegetables and fruit and good healthy meals the majority of the time.
Looks like I have to go and be patronised and told exactly what I should and shouldn't eat. I've seen plenty of mums behaving badly on TV so I know exactly what it is all about. I guess I wouldn't mind so much but my BMI was 44 when I had my last child and to me I have done well to lose weight with just a little slip along the way. If I wasn't pregnant I would have gone back on the cambridge diet and lost those couple of stone easily.

When I reach 12 weeks I already decided I was going to exercise more, I have zumba on the wii and wii sports to help me, but I didn't want to exercise till I knew things were ok. Yeah yeah I can hear you saying it is denial and it's true I don't like exercise as I become a little obsessed with it and go over the top.

Is the NHS becoming weightist? I am supple and able to bend easily and I am not that unfit. Walking constantly around an out patients department and going up and down stairs ensures I am fit. My weight has never stopped me from doing anything and I don't get out of puff easily.

I don't smoke, I don't drink my only problem is my weight so please just let me get on with it. If I only ate unhealthy foods maybe there is a point but I eat vegetables and fruits, I make sure I take in good vitamins and minerals in amongst the crap.

Well thats my moan over with. There are a lot of other things going on at the moment but I am refraining from talking about them or else I may start to cry and never stop. Hi ho. Until next time. I would love your comments on anything I have written today.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Bad combinations

This week for kate's take five she has asked us to look at bad combinations which has got my brain working. Here is my attempt.

1. Savings/kids. They are like leaches. Any spare money you may have had suddenly gets spent on new uniforms, shoes that have gotten scuffed after only a weeks wear, and all the other trillions of things they find they suddenly need urgently.

2. Lie ins/ Kids. Lol kids again. There is absolutely no chance of a lie in once you have children, especially if they are young. They just don't seem to have any concept of time. What is up with them waking up at 6.30am? I've tried putting bin liners on the windows to trick them into sleeping later but it never works.

3. Mobile phones/ Mums. My mother can't stand it when I use my mobile phone. She just doesn't understand texting at all and twitter is definately beyond her. If ever I go round and I fetch my mobile out I can see her look of annoyance. Then she will moan if I don't answer my mobile if she calls me. I can't win lol.

4. Watching TV/ Kids. It is impossible watching tv with 2 kids running around the house screaming, or running their cars along the floor. It is as if they know your favourite programm has come on so they go and play with all their really noisy toys.

5. Diets/ Me. Diets should be banned. I hate them. I wish I could eat what I liked and be the size I want to be. The whole idea of a diet is horrible, restricted food intake, not being able to eat what you really want. You either end up being miserable because you are starving yourself or miserable because you eat what you like but weigh a tonne. Guess the answer is more exercise but that is such hard work!

I do notice a theme here. Most of my answers include children. I guess that is because my life is taken over by kids at the moment. I love them dearly but they do dictate many things.


Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Having to choose.

Once again I have found my way over to omammy's blog for her new meme, I don't know about you but.... I always said I loved having a moan so this is my perfect meme. Have a look at all the other wonderful entries and have a go yourself.

I don't know about you but.... I am finding it increasingly more difficult to balance my home life with my work life. It is starting to upset me now because I feel I am always having to put work first over my family. This is probably how I feel as I know there are many many policies in the NHS geared towards balancing homelife with work but I work in a very small team so I know what it is like when someone is missing from that team and what a struggle it presents.

I just find it so hard being a mother sometimes and feel I neglect my children. My 4 year old often asks me in a morning before he goes to play group, ' Mummy are you on a late one tonight?' This is because more often than not the answer is yes.

What has brought up all this angst is my 4 year old coming down with chicken pox and I couldn't take time off work to look after him, I had to make my husband take time off from his work. He gets annoyed because he feels that I am always making out that his job is second rate and mine is more important but I would love nothing better than to stay at home and look after my son. He doesn't realise the guilt I feel going to work and once more putting work first.

I remember being pulled up at work once and told that I wasn't professional and that I should always put work first and not moan about working late etc etc and this really upset me because I always give so much more of myself to my work, so what does that mean I give to my family?

Sometimes I just wish I hadn't wanted to be the career woman and that I could just stay at home and bring up my children. Alas money dictates that I am the breadwinner in the family so it is me who has to go out and work.

Maybe one day I won't feel so guilty about my work and feel like I am constantly pulling myself in two. I try to please everyone and just end up pleasing no one.