Sunday, 29 May 2011


Well I guess I ought to update everyone on what has happened. I have not been on here for a bit as I went on holiday last friday 21st May and Butlins do not have very good internet conections.
We travelled up by coach and arrived happily around 1pm, unloaded the masses of luggage and went to have a look around while we awaited the accomodation to be ready. We had been lookingn forward to this holiday for months and everyone was in high spirits. The kids were hyper and trying to do everything in the first half hour. Even Pete seemed excited.
That was until I discovered I was spotting around 5pm. It was hardly anything at all but I still went into a panic because of everything that had happened the last time. I forced myself to carry on as normal and enjoy the holiday and even went out on the night time. All the time I was stressing over what I would find each time I went to the toilet. Eventually the next morning everything had calmed down and I convinced myself that it must have been the long journey and there was nothing to worry about.
We went out and had a lovely breakfast then decided to go around the fair with the kids. Then I found out I had started bleeding again just like a period. I won't lie, I went into a bit of a panic as I didn't know what to do or where to go. We ended up all piling into a taxi and going to A + E in Skegness. Now I am used to a big hospital so it was a bit of a shock when we got to Skegness hospital. The waiting room was smaller than our doctors. It soon became clear that there was nothing at this hospital at all. They couldn't even analyse blood samples, take x-rays or do scans.
I ended up having to be transferred via ambulance to Pilgrim Hospital in Boston, around a 40 minute trip. We had all the kids with us at the time and Pete had to phone Butlins to see if they would be able to look after the children while he came to the hospital with me. He ended up having to get a taxi with all the kids back to Butlins to drop off the boys then come straight back to me with Charlotte as no one was able to look after her.
We all then went off in the ambulance along windy roads and all I could see were cabbage fields. Char loved the journey as she had never been in a ambulance before. I was just thinking it was all happening all over again as it was exactly the same as before. By this time I was heavily bleeding and losing massive clots.
We arrived at Boston only to be told that there were no scanning equipment available until monday. Looking at my blood results they said it was still possible the pregnancy was going ahead and from examination the cervix was still closed. They said without evidence from a scan they were going to leave me to see if things settled down.
However the bleeding continued and by around 8pm I was feeling very dizzy and was finding it difficult to do anything without feeling I was going to pass out. I had nothing with me so I was literally a bloody mess and Pete had to leave me around 6pm to get back to the kids. The staff kept asking if there was anyone we had come with who could help. We kept telling them everyone was 4 hours away.
Pete did explain to me that my mom and dad were coming up to help out with everything so this was a relief. I was thinking about myself particularly I was more worried about Pete and how he would cope with the kids and everything. The last time it happened he was so stressed and that was with people around him to help. I am very greatful to my parents for coming up as they helped immensely.
around 9pm the doctors decided that because I was still bleeding heavily they were going to use a portable ultrasound scan from the labour ward. Not ideal but they wanted to know what was going on as they wanted to operate.
It was what I feared. The scan showed no baby but there was still products of conception in the womb. I hate that terminology, products of conception. That was a baby at one point. It just makes it sound so medical and as if it wasn't a little life at some point.
That was it then I was off to theatre something I have dreaded as I have never been put to sleep before. I also know what theatre staff are like and the comments they can pass about people when they are asleep. so I was literally dreading it. What if I never woke up again? What if something goes wrong? All this going through my head whilst I sat in a hospital bed on my own.
Around midnight I finally went to theatre and by this time I was knackered and feeling rather ill through all the blood loss. By this time I just wanted it all over with. They gave me some horrible stuff first which apparantly was meant to relax me but it just made me feel awful. Then came the anaesthetic and at last I was asleep. I awoke around 12.30am and I just wanted to get back to the ward so I could sleep. Everything went fine luckliy and I was told I could go home in the morning.
By this time my parents had made it up to Skegness so at least we had someone who could pick me up now. I had to wait for Pete to bring me new clothes as I had absolutely nothing with me. I told him early on that he could come pick me up and I think they finally came around 11am.
It was a terrible experience but I didn't feel the same about this one than the previous one. Whether I am still in denial I don't know but I think it was because deep down I was always thinking this one would end the same way as the last so I never really got attached like I did before. I kept trying to tell myself that everything would be ok this time and that I couldn't be that unlucky for it to happen a third time but I think I knew really.
I would just like to know what is going on but of course they won't investigate until I have had a row of 3 miscarriages. All the doctors kept telling me was that it was one of those things and that because I already had 3 children so it was more likely that it was nothing that could be prevented.
I managed to last 10 weeks with this one. Can I really put myself through all that again? Pete definately won't let me. He has already threatened to have the snip. I just keep thinking third time lucky but I know I would be a nervous wreck and I would need a lot of  support which I doubt I would get.
Could it be that I wanted it too much? I watch these programs on the tv where the women continue to smoke, drink, take drugs, everything you aren't supposed to do and go on to have normal healthy babies. There's me doing everything right, drinking decaf coffee, not even drinking a small amount of alcohol, everything but it made no difference. I got back off holiday to find my appointment with the consultant so that was fun.
Who knows what the future holds but at this moment in time it looks like I won't be having any more children and this is very sad. I guess I should be happy with the ones I have.....

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Week 9

After a slight problem with my midwife appointment I saw her again today to finish all my paperwork. My blood results came back with everything normal thankfully but there was a strange result. Apparantly I am a possible alpha thalassemia carrier. Thalassemia is a blood disorder which is often misdiagnosed as iron deficiency anaemia, and there are several forms ranging in severity.  I have also discovered that it can lead to miscarriage which makes me wonder about the two I had before. Strangely though they don't want to test my husband for the trait even though he is of mediteranian descent. My midwife has told me nothing needs to be done unless I show any anaemia in my pregnancy.
I also had a phone call today from the healthy eating team as they had received a referral from my midwife. Because my BMI is 34 which yes I know is disgraceful considering I got down to a BMI of 28 for my wedding, I obviously need some help being told what food is healthy and what isn't. I've trained as a cambridge counsellor, I know all about nutrition and what is healthy and what isn't. My weight gain is from being unhappy and overeating, (the majority went on after the miscarriage and I am becoming increasingly stressed at work and home.) So what are they going to do for me? Oh and did I mention I am also a nurse? I am not stupid. I know eating a whole tub of ben and Jerries or Haagen daz isn't good for me, or having takeaways all the time. I do eat vegetables and fruit and good healthy meals the majority of the time.
Looks like I have to go and be patronised and told exactly what I should and shouldn't eat. I've seen plenty of mums behaving badly on TV so I know exactly what it is all about. I guess I wouldn't mind so much but my BMI was 44 when I had my last child and to me I have done well to lose weight with just a little slip along the way. If I wasn't pregnant I would have gone back on the cambridge diet and lost those couple of stone easily.

When I reach 12 weeks I already decided I was going to exercise more, I have zumba on the wii and wii sports to help me, but I didn't want to exercise till I knew things were ok. Yeah yeah I can hear you saying it is denial and it's true I don't like exercise as I become a little obsessed with it and go over the top.

Is the NHS becoming weightist? I am supple and able to bend easily and I am not that unfit. Walking constantly around an out patients department and going up and down stairs ensures I am fit. My weight has never stopped me from doing anything and I don't get out of puff easily.

I don't smoke, I don't drink my only problem is my weight so please just let me get on with it. If I only ate unhealthy foods maybe there is a point but I eat vegetables and fruits, I make sure I take in good vitamins and minerals in amongst the crap.

Well thats my moan over with. There are a lot of other things going on at the moment but I am refraining from talking about them or else I may start to cry and never stop. Hi ho. Until next time. I would love your comments on anything I have written today.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Bad combinations

This week for kate's take five she has asked us to look at bad combinations which has got my brain working. Here is my attempt.

1. Savings/kids. They are like leaches. Any spare money you may have had suddenly gets spent on new uniforms, shoes that have gotten scuffed after only a weeks wear, and all the other trillions of things they find they suddenly need urgently.

2. Lie ins/ Kids. Lol kids again. There is absolutely no chance of a lie in once you have children, especially if they are young. They just don't seem to have any concept of time. What is up with them waking up at 6.30am? I've tried putting bin liners on the windows to trick them into sleeping later but it never works.

3. Mobile phones/ Mums. My mother can't stand it when I use my mobile phone. She just doesn't understand texting at all and twitter is definately beyond her. If ever I go round and I fetch my mobile out I can see her look of annoyance. Then she will moan if I don't answer my mobile if she calls me. I can't win lol.

4. Watching TV/ Kids. It is impossible watching tv with 2 kids running around the house screaming, or running their cars along the floor. It is as if they know your favourite programm has come on so they go and play with all their really noisy toys.

5. Diets/ Me. Diets should be banned. I hate them. I wish I could eat what I liked and be the size I want to be. The whole idea of a diet is horrible, restricted food intake, not being able to eat what you really want. You either end up being miserable because you are starving yourself or miserable because you eat what you like but weigh a tonne. Guess the answer is more exercise but that is such hard work!

I do notice a theme here. Most of my answers include children. I guess that is because my life is taken over by kids at the moment. I love them dearly but they do dictate many things.


Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Having to choose.

Once again I have found my way over to omammy's blog for her new meme, I don't know about you but.... I always said I loved having a moan so this is my perfect meme. Have a look at all the other wonderful entries and have a go yourself.

I don't know about you but.... I am finding it increasingly more difficult to balance my home life with my work life. It is starting to upset me now because I feel I am always having to put work first over my family. This is probably how I feel as I know there are many many policies in the NHS geared towards balancing homelife with work but I work in a very small team so I know what it is like when someone is missing from that team and what a struggle it presents.

I just find it so hard being a mother sometimes and feel I neglect my children. My 4 year old often asks me in a morning before he goes to play group, ' Mummy are you on a late one tonight?' This is because more often than not the answer is yes.

What has brought up all this angst is my 4 year old coming down with chicken pox and I couldn't take time off work to look after him, I had to make my husband take time off from his work. He gets annoyed because he feels that I am always making out that his job is second rate and mine is more important but I would love nothing better than to stay at home and look after my son. He doesn't realise the guilt I feel going to work and once more putting work first.

I remember being pulled up at work once and told that I wasn't professional and that I should always put work first and not moan about working late etc etc and this really upset me because I always give so much more of myself to my work, so what does that mean I give to my family?

Sometimes I just wish I hadn't wanted to be the career woman and that I could just stay at home and bring up my children. Alas money dictates that I am the breadwinner in the family so it is me who has to go out and work.

Maybe one day I won't feel so guilty about my work and feel like I am constantly pulling myself in two. I try to please everyone and just end up pleasing no one.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

8 weeks and counting!

This week has been so busy, stressful and knackering I haven't even been on my laptop and I feel I have neglected it somewhat. Last friday my middle son came down with chicken pox and we ended up becoming prisoners in our own house. He has been absolutely fine with it and hasn't really scratched much at all. Just waiting for the others to get it now.

I went back to work on tuesday and ever since it has been hectic and every night I have returned home with aching feet from spending a good 9 hours on them. What was that about reducing stress??? I have worked  my little cotton socks off this week.

On thursday I had my first appointment with the midwife. Last time I had my appointment all sorted out and I miscarried on the tuesday just days before, so as you can imagine I have already been on edge this week. I almost dread going to the toilet how daft that sounds.

Anyways my midwife is lovely, I met her towards the end of my last childs pregnancy. Straight away she asked where I was having this child and suggested home birth. When she looked at the sizes of my last three children though she changed her mind lol. I would love a home birth as I never like going to hospital other than for work, but Pete is very against it. He doesn't like the idea of the mess ( he is a tad OCD) and also he is worried if anything went wrong there wouldn't be the backup of a hospital to use. I have tried to point out that this will be my fourth so I might not even be able to get to the hospital in time. Also there will be two trained midwives present at the birth who are trained and if anything happened the hospital is 10 minutes up the road.

I doubt he will back down though. I could see Oliver trying to get into the pool with me though if I did deliver at home. Regardless of where I give birth I already know that it will be another water birth as Oliver my third child was my easiest labour and the one I felt most in control of. I have also heard a lot about hypnobirthing so I would like to try this combined with my waterbirth. It does seem a bit odd that I am only 2 months into my pregnancy and I am already thinking about how I will give birth. 7 Months is a long long way away at the moment.

Everytime I have been pregnant there seems to be something different. When I had my daughter 11 years ago, I wasn't able to find out the sex at the 20 week scan. Then when I had Thomas 4 years ago this had changed so I could find out his sex. Then with Oliver 2 years ago the whole idea of waterbirths opened up to me. This was probably available before but I had never heard of them. This time around it is the scans. My hospital now offers nucal fold scans as part of the antenatal care now. It has always been available but only in high risk groups or privately.

I had to chose whether I wanted to have all the tests done for Downs. I had them with Charlotte and Oliver but not with Thomas. My midwife said I had to think carefully about having the tests because I had to be sure I could live with the results. If they came back as high risk I would then have to decide whether to go down the route of diagnostic testing such as amniocentesis or chorionic villi sampling. I could just know I have a high risk and chose not to get definitive proof until the birth, as the diagnostic tests have a 1% increased risk of miscarriage.

In the end I decided to go with the tests as I would prefer to know if anything was wrong so I could come to terms with it rather than a shock at the birth. The tests involve simple blood tests and the special nucal fold scan at around 12 weeks. This is a special scan which looks at the size of the neck as downs have shown to have thicker necks. Then everything is amalgamated together and the risk of down's will be calculated. This will take place around June time.

So there you have it. Everything seems to be going well. I have passed my second target and well on my way to my third at 12 weeks. I have already thought of my birth plan and have an idea which I am sure will be reviewed more closer to the time. I am starting to panic a bit about work though. I said I would work til the end of November due to staff holidays but that means I will be 38 weeks pregnant when I finally go on mat leave. Im 8 weeks pregnant now and I have been so knackered and stressed this week. Hopefully I will have a bit of help when I am wobbling all over the place and the size of a heffalump. I doubt I will be able to rush anywhere lol. I guess people would be less likely to have a go at a heavily pregnant woman. :-)

Next installment in 4 weeks.....