Sunday, 29 May 2011


Well I guess I ought to update everyone on what has happened. I have not been on here for a bit as I went on holiday last friday 21st May and Butlins do not have very good internet conections.
We travelled up by coach and arrived happily around 1pm, unloaded the masses of luggage and went to have a look around while we awaited the accomodation to be ready. We had been lookingn forward to this holiday for months and everyone was in high spirits. The kids were hyper and trying to do everything in the first half hour. Even Pete seemed excited.
That was until I discovered I was spotting around 5pm. It was hardly anything at all but I still went into a panic because of everything that had happened the last time. I forced myself to carry on as normal and enjoy the holiday and even went out on the night time. All the time I was stressing over what I would find each time I went to the toilet. Eventually the next morning everything had calmed down and I convinced myself that it must have been the long journey and there was nothing to worry about.
We went out and had a lovely breakfast then decided to go around the fair with the kids. Then I found out I had started bleeding again just like a period. I won't lie, I went into a bit of a panic as I didn't know what to do or where to go. We ended up all piling into a taxi and going to A + E in Skegness. Now I am used to a big hospital so it was a bit of a shock when we got to Skegness hospital. The waiting room was smaller than our doctors. It soon became clear that there was nothing at this hospital at all. They couldn't even analyse blood samples, take x-rays or do scans.
I ended up having to be transferred via ambulance to Pilgrim Hospital in Boston, around a 40 minute trip. We had all the kids with us at the time and Pete had to phone Butlins to see if they would be able to look after the children while he came to the hospital with me. He ended up having to get a taxi with all the kids back to Butlins to drop off the boys then come straight back to me with Charlotte as no one was able to look after her.
We all then went off in the ambulance along windy roads and all I could see were cabbage fields. Char loved the journey as she had never been in a ambulance before. I was just thinking it was all happening all over again as it was exactly the same as before. By this time I was heavily bleeding and losing massive clots.
We arrived at Boston only to be told that there were no scanning equipment available until monday. Looking at my blood results they said it was still possible the pregnancy was going ahead and from examination the cervix was still closed. They said without evidence from a scan they were going to leave me to see if things settled down.
However the bleeding continued and by around 8pm I was feeling very dizzy and was finding it difficult to do anything without feeling I was going to pass out. I had nothing with me so I was literally a bloody mess and Pete had to leave me around 6pm to get back to the kids. The staff kept asking if there was anyone we had come with who could help. We kept telling them everyone was 4 hours away.
Pete did explain to me that my mom and dad were coming up to help out with everything so this was a relief. I was thinking about myself particularly I was more worried about Pete and how he would cope with the kids and everything. The last time it happened he was so stressed and that was with people around him to help. I am very greatful to my parents for coming up as they helped immensely.
around 9pm the doctors decided that because I was still bleeding heavily they were going to use a portable ultrasound scan from the labour ward. Not ideal but they wanted to know what was going on as they wanted to operate.
It was what I feared. The scan showed no baby but there was still products of conception in the womb. I hate that terminology, products of conception. That was a baby at one point. It just makes it sound so medical and as if it wasn't a little life at some point.
That was it then I was off to theatre something I have dreaded as I have never been put to sleep before. I also know what theatre staff are like and the comments they can pass about people when they are asleep. so I was literally dreading it. What if I never woke up again? What if something goes wrong? All this going through my head whilst I sat in a hospital bed on my own.
Around midnight I finally went to theatre and by this time I was knackered and feeling rather ill through all the blood loss. By this time I just wanted it all over with. They gave me some horrible stuff first which apparantly was meant to relax me but it just made me feel awful. Then came the anaesthetic and at last I was asleep. I awoke around 12.30am and I just wanted to get back to the ward so I could sleep. Everything went fine luckliy and I was told I could go home in the morning.
By this time my parents had made it up to Skegness so at least we had someone who could pick me up now. I had to wait for Pete to bring me new clothes as I had absolutely nothing with me. I told him early on that he could come pick me up and I think they finally came around 11am.
It was a terrible experience but I didn't feel the same about this one than the previous one. Whether I am still in denial I don't know but I think it was because deep down I was always thinking this one would end the same way as the last so I never really got attached like I did before. I kept trying to tell myself that everything would be ok this time and that I couldn't be that unlucky for it to happen a third time but I think I knew really.
I would just like to know what is going on but of course they won't investigate until I have had a row of 3 miscarriages. All the doctors kept telling me was that it was one of those things and that because I already had 3 children so it was more likely that it was nothing that could be prevented.
I managed to last 10 weeks with this one. Can I really put myself through all that again? Pete definately won't let me. He has already threatened to have the snip. I just keep thinking third time lucky but I know I would be a nervous wreck and I would need a lot of  support which I doubt I would get.
Could it be that I wanted it too much? I watch these programs on the tv where the women continue to smoke, drink, take drugs, everything you aren't supposed to do and go on to have normal healthy babies. There's me doing everything right, drinking decaf coffee, not even drinking a small amount of alcohol, everything but it made no difference. I got back off holiday to find my appointment with the consultant so that was fun.
Who knows what the future holds but at this moment in time it looks like I won't be having any more children and this is very sad. I guess I should be happy with the ones I have.....

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