Here we go again!

I never was one to do things by half. Today I decided to announce my pregnancy by posting my positive test on silent sunday! My sister kinda talked me into it and after a few moments hesitation I clicked on the publish post button. No going back now.... but whose really gonna see it??? 

How wrong could I be. This silent sunday has seen the most visits to my site and comments I have ever had, all thanks to my sister over at overthehillmum who twittered about it. I think she just may be a little bit more excited than I am.

This is not my first pregnancy but I am still nervous as hell about it especially as I am only 5 and a bit weeks gone. I have had two miscarriages which were awful and 3 beautiful lovely children. People think I am mad for wanting more. I think I am mad for wanting more but I can't quiet explain the feeling I get. I think it is because I love the newborn stage. That time where this little baby is wholly dependent on me for everything and I am it's whole world. Don't get me wrong I love every stage of my childrens development but there is something special about the early time of their life. 

I think I have managed to keep this pregnancy quiet for all of half an hour lol. I had a feeling this month I would find out I was expecting again although I told my other half that no I couldn't possibly be pregnant because it is really difficult and only 1 in 5 women get pregnant straight away. (BTW my husband did not want another child, he is a single child and happy to have a small family.) 

So there I am trying to make my husband happy telling him there isn't a cat in hells chance of me being pregnant while all the time I am secretly hoping that I am. I started thinking that I was imagining all the pregnancy symptoms and that I was having a pseudocyesis (phantom pregnancy.) You know when you start to convince yourself that you feel sick and your acting a bit ditzy and mental? 

I took the test early even though I read so many articles about this before I actually did it. I did exactly what they said not to do. If you test early it may be too soon to get a positive test. I told myself that the result wouldn't matter at all so what the hey lets do this test. I used a first response test and it came up surprise surprise negative. I was devastated but then I started to tell myself that ok maybe 6 days early is a bit too early. Of I went searching everything on the internet about when a test should be done and I started to convince myself that yes it was fine perhaps I could still be pregnant. 

I told myself not to do another test til I had actually missed my period. I had a very stern talk with myself and I was convinced my will power would last out. Did I manage to wait? Not at all. I finished work early so I could work on my assignment and I got home and no one was around. Should I take a test? It's still too early I told myself I wouldn't do this again but oh it was so so tempting. 

I decided to use a cheap test and I can remember looking at it and thinking is that a faint pink line? I've done that before though, convinced myself that there is a line there when in fact its nothing at all. In my excitement though I got out the expensive first response test that I was definately keeping. Before I knew it I was using the test. Uh oh what have I done??? Then against all hope I got that all awaited second pink line.

OMG it really had happened, I was pregnant again. Oh crap I have to now tell my husband. I decided to be a coward and phoned him at work so he couldn't say much lol. Although I have to say at least this time he was better than the first time I told him. We had only been going out 7 months and I found out after a night shift and I phoned him whilst he was on the train going to work. His reaction was, 'oh' That was it lol. I have never let him forget either.

So this is it. The start of a period of my life fraught with worry, joy, hope, love and many many more emotions. Already I am almost scared to go to the toilet as I am petrified to find spotting. I think after a miscarriage it is always at the forefront of your mind. 

I went to the doctors hoping he would send me for an early scan just to check everything was ok but he basically told me there was absolutely no point at all as it wouldn't show me anything at all. Basically I think he meant that giving me false hope was just as bad as giving me no hope and that not to worry until something happened. Tell that to a worryholic. I worry if I feel even a niggle of pain, which almost always turns out to be wind. I worry if I am not experiencing certain pregnancy symptoms. The other day I was thinking why am I not feeling this sheer exhaustion everyone talks about, til it actually hit me this week and I wish I wasnt tired all the time. 

Welcome to the rollercoaster. I shall keep all informed. I have little milestones I have to pass which will help me get through. One is to get past 6 weeks as this was when I had my first miscarriage, the second is to get past 8 weeks as this was when I had my second miscarriage and 12 weeks which is when most people class as the safer stage. So the dates will be 23rd april which happens to be the day before my birthday, 7th May and 4th June wich happens to be the weeks my child would have been due. Fingers crossed.