I have come to the conclusion that I am a masochist when it comes to babies. Every monday I watch one born every minute and sit rapt while I see other women going through labour and not once does it put me off. I even watched a program on babies being born at 23 weeks and whether it was right to keep them alive or not. Now tonight I have been sat watching Cherry has a baby.
Maybe some background is needed to appreciate why I say I am a masochist when it comes to baby programms. I have 3 lovely children and my husband is very happy with just the three kids, although he would have been happy with just 1. Last september I found out I was pregnant again and I have to admit I was absolutely over the moon even though I was due to get married in october.
Whilst I was over the moon and in love with the idea of having a lovely new baby everyone I told about it was less than thrilled. I could see them thinking 'what on earth is wrong with her. Why does she want more kids?' I can't actually explain why but I love the whole pregnancy thing and holding a brand new life in my arms for the first time. It would just have been nice just once for someone to be as overjoyed as I was at being pregnant and to congratulate me. In fact when I told my friend at work it was as if I had just managed to do the worst most heinous thing in the world. In fact it was as if I had double crossed her because it meant I would go on maternity leave and cause the department to be short staffed.
Who cared though because I was happy and Pete had come round to the situation and everything was looking rosy. We got married in october and I can remember thinking that years down the line I could tell baby that when we looked at my old wedding photo's that they were there too on my special day. I even stayed sober whilst Pete got progressively more drunk as the night went on.
Then on November the 1st last year I noticed some spotting. I was struck with terror although I fobbed Pete off saying that I was sure it was nothing at all. I was 8 weeks by this time. The next day I went to work as normal but by mid morning the bleeding hadn't stopped and my worry got the better of me and I went off to gynae. (I work in a hospital so it was the easiest thing to do.)
To cut a long storey short I ended up haemorrhaging and lost the baby. I spent a couple of days in hospital and felt pretty lousy. This wasn't the first time I had suffered a miscarriage but it was the first time I had to spend time in hospital. It was vile being the patient for a change when I am used to being the one doing the looking after.
It was much different this time because even though Pete was sad about me and losing the baby and everything it was as though he had dodged a bullet. He never wanted this child and so I felt even more sad and alone to how I was feeling. It was as though this baby was my last chance. There would be absolutely no chance of me getting pregnant again even though thats exactly what I wanted to do. Its difficult to explain the loss of a baby that couldn't be seen or even felt other than in my heart. There was a hole inside me that needed to be filled again but it was never going to happen.
Even though it was probably my own grief and paranoia I felt as if everyone was letting of a sigh of relief. It caused a lot of tension with me and Pete and I had many heartfelt conversations with myself. On one level I knew how wrong it was to expect Pete to try for a baby he didn't want and how guilty I would feel if he only agreed to it to make me happy and he was made miserable. Then on another level I would think that he would come round to the idea like he had before and I would be able to see the absolute love in his eyes when he saw his new baby for the first time. In the end I went with the theory that I should just carry on with my life and deal with whatever came in the future.
This is why I say I am a masochist for watching all those baby programs. I would absolutely love to be pregnant again and I dream about it constantly but I can't ever see it happening again. Yes I am so grateful for the 3 lovely kids I have but it doesn't make the loss any easier, in fact I know what I am missing all the more. In fact I pretend I am pregnant at times, and even imagine I can feel my baby moving. How absolutely nutty is that? I guess it doesnt help that I was due in June so in my mind I would still have been pregnant now. Hopefully once June has passed so to will the fantasies.